Scribbles & Bits Challenge #138 - I Told Them

I told them, you know I told them. Fuckin’ doctors don’t know everything. ‘It’s over.’ They said. ‘Vegetative state,’ they said. ‘let him go,’ they said! I knew it wasn’t over, not yet. I couldn’t tell them how I knew, of course. How would that sound? How could they believe that you weren’t gone, because you’d died once before for several minutes, during your bypass surgery and I knew it, I gave them the time and duration of your flat lining when they tried to tell me it had all gone smoothly? Fuckin’ doctors. Assholes like that aren’t going to credit that I can still feel you. When you’re gone I’ll tell them.

 

          I know, I know: soon, my love. I know you’re not coming back to me either. You’ll be free soon enough.

 

          The bastards knew I couldn’t pay. They already told me enough for me to get that the test was expensive and didn’t pay off often enough for Medicare to pay for it, ever, almost. I knew this wasn’t the time to tell them what I thought of ‘em or try to bitch them into it. If I’m nice, maybe I’m pitiful, husband of fifty years in a vegetative state, maybe they do the test just to comfort an old lady.

 

Plus, what I didn’t think of, apparently the test is fun. I mean, boys will be boys, and by chance, all the doctors were men and half the nurses too. I know there’s plenty of lady doctors these days, but you could’ve fooled me since this latest episode – last episode! Oh God– of yours. These were boys with new toys, a type we all know well. How this machine is flying under the radar, how it’s not all the buzz, I don’t know, doctor’s want money for us to even know about it, I guess. But Jack, the fucking thing is a mind-reader.

 

          I looked up what I could, read their blog about it a little, and of course it’s complex. ‘Mind-reading,’ that is a very old, low-tech term; of course a brain is not a book. What happens in the brain, they say, doesn’t happen in English. To draw out something specific, something remotely coherent, anything concrete at all – that remains highly unlikely.

 

Ha – I know what you would’ve said to that, Jackie! I can see you, squinting and talking around one of those huge blunts you smoked forever – ‘Depends, Hon.’ Hooooot. ‘How coherent was the patient when they were conscious?’ I’d agree with you about most patients, Love. Just not you.

 

          So what they say is, they’re not really sure why it works, I mean, they really don’t know why it doesn’t work better, or worse. They can’t say if the view they get of what is going on in a brain suffers from lookng too close, or from taking too high-level or too general a view. They don’t think there’s ever going to be a better version, because they don’t know what they might ever do to change it, apparently, the machines right now either work or not at all. They don’t degrade and they don’t improve. But when they work, what they give is  . . . interpretive. My word, not theirs. I kind of read between the lines, but I’ve got eighty years of experience at it – I’m the girl you want for that sort of thing, hearing what it is they’re not saying. Right Jackie? The machines, like brains they say, don’t have English as their operating system, you don’t get email or printouts.

 

          What the machines put out is . . . art. Like dreams, or some combination of the two. There are a lot of views that seem random, like the weirdest of dreams, and the loved ones who see them aren’t comforted, although some see the chaos as evidence that the person really isn’t any kind of conscious. Then the family can feel better about letting them go. I imagine I’d spend the rest of my days going mad trying to understand it - but I can take that risk, at my age. Plus I knew you were still there. Apparently some few percent of the few percent of people who actually get their vegetative loved ones tested get a view that for some reason satisfies them. And for some reason, the ones that give meaning, by all accounts, these views are art, and not just art, but really good art. That drives the human artists nuts. Shades of Frankenstein, a line that was never supposed to be crossed, a machine that dredges the comatose for art! Lucky for me, though.

 

          We never looked at the same thing the same way at the same time, Jackie, not once. I always said so and you always disagreed, proving my point for me, thank you. You always were such a gentleman that way, you knew how to agree to disagree without hurting people’s feelings. But you never admitted it, you never got anything right with me, like we couldn’t ever learn each other no matter how many decades we lived together. You were a gentleman, formal kind of, because, in a way, we never really met.

 

          We were close sometimes, for moments or years, but that was something different, that was time out of time, somehow, wasn’t it? I think we weren’t ourselves, I think we made new selves for each other. The other times, when life was crazy and we lost that contact, when I saw you from a distance, I was sometimes a little shocked sometimes thrilled, but it was always a reminder of our differences. Rich, poor, conservative, liberal, we had them all. I never could see things your way, Jackie, but I always felt you.

 

          I just wish I could have known you.

 

          When we were apart, I’d see you so far away and I’d come back to you. But when I got close, you were always out of sight. That’s how it was, that’s what I thought all our lives together, but God bless you, or God damn you for holding out on me to the very end, I got your image.

 

          As it turns out, my love, it’s all moot, the test. They’re talking to me now, telling me, yes, you were right, he is still mentating, but the test, run over time, shows that you’re fading away anyway, sure as taxes. I can’t feel that, all I know is for now, you’re still here. And you really saw us!

 

 

          Why wouldn’t you tell me?

http://switchandshift.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Mentoring-Paradox-Text.jpg Switchandshift

just throwing this up again. I know I writ it, but it's the only thing I can find that makes me think about lost ones and gets me somewhere near crying for them . . . 

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Comments (25)

  1. Bettymom

    That is very touching. I missed it on the first go-round.

    September 02, 2015
    1. Neighsayer

      Thanks, Betty. Yeah, the story is, my father in law was unresponsive for some days before he passed, and while I was sort of blocking out the reality of it, I wrote this little thing, convinced the whole time it was fiction . . . I re-read it after I posted it, over and over, trying to figure out why it was so emotional for me before I realized it, how self-unaware I can be . . . but OTOH, the clever ways we find to talk to ourselves!

      September 02, 2015
  2. miss-ranty-pants

    it is a cracker, its a shame people don’t often reach inside and pull out things that expose themselves.

    September 02, 2015
    1. Neighsayer

      I find I get some of the love I’m looking for doing something like that online – but I admit, I’ve tried throwing people a bone IRL, giving something up, hoping for some good will in return, and not so much. I guess it’s like a mailout campaign, a certain percentage of return, not often 100% of the person in your face IRL . . .

      September 02, 2015
      1. miss-ranty-pants

        I did some marketing at uni while I was insane, the return on DM is about 3.5 +/- .2 usually, and that is considered a good return, I’d be disappointed with that IRL or here.

        September 11, 2015
        1. Neighsayer

          yeah, maybe that’s the percent of goodwill we get by giving people some love first – but in real life, one person at a time, 3.5% of a person = 100% no, I guess.

          .

          DM? Oh, Direct Mail, right.

          September 11, 2015
          1. miss-ranty-pants

            RL is easier though, you have props, a body, eyes, its easier to engage a person.
            Yes sorry, Direct Mail.

            September 11, 2015
            1. Neighsayer

              true . . . hey, sort of nice to think my presence may be worth more than 3.5% approval . . .

              September 11, 2015
            2. miss-ranty-pants

              Presence is power

              September 11, 2015
        2. walrusofshoel

          When I was insane, I believed in Jesus, and lived in the fear of hell, and damnation, and the fear of disobedience to his ways, and who others told me to be, in my life today. I now know, this is just the way of evil, in the name of love, in our lives today. For my beliefs in this way, of trying to be who others wanted me to be. I was judged to be crazy, forced to take drugs, made to believe I was sick, and different that the rest. This way, I must always do what others told me, because I was incapable of thinking for myself, in my life today.
          .
          I was forced to live in total obedience, and if I ever tried to stand up for my basic human rights. Of my freedom to think, and believe as I choose, in my life today. I Was then shot up with a drug, to give me agitation. Then put in a small cell, or 4 point restraints, and laughed at, while I begged to be set free. This was done, through their love, and concern for me. By putting the fear of God into me, to teach me the ways of obedience, and conformity, in my life today. This was done for my own good, and the good of all others around me. I now know this is just the way we believe love to be. Through the cup of human kindness, the fear of the judgments of our religions, brought to us all, on this earth today.
          .
          I am no longer insane, so I can now see. That all the presences of religion we see. Is only in our minds, to keep us obedient, through fear, and were never real, in our reality. I learned my lesson about the cup of human kindness, on this earth today. This is because, I wish they would have just killed me then, and there. Rather than making me live in fear, shame, guilt, and misery, for over 20 years, living in this insanity in my life. I now see the truth, that it was never me that was insane, but just the rest of the world around me, and I will never feel shame, and guilt, for who I was created to be, ever again.
          .
          Through the judgments of any man, our beast, in my life. Just staying true to myself alone, and having great pride, and respect, for myself at all times. No matter just what names others may call me, judge me is being, or yell, and scream at me, through their love for me in my life today. This is the way I found my sanity, in this would of insanity, through love, on this earth today. I will never again be suckered in, by this type of love. That works though disrespect, shame, guilt, and misery, for who I was created to be, in my life again. This is because I now know, that this is, just the root of all evil, and insanity on this earth today, through our beliefs, in the judgments of lies. Just remember, if you are in the presence of religion, in the name of love today. That it is not real, and only Satan, to deceive you.
          .
          Into the ways of shame, guilt, and,misery for the gift you were given in humanity, and I won’t be fooled again, because this is the love, I can live without in my life today. Then when I hear judgments of others, I now know, that I am far more, than these people will ever be. Then I can be sure, anyone of judgment, was never worthy of my time, or respect, anyways. This is because the only reason we judge condemn and put others down in reality it is always through the inadequacy we feel for who we are today. We say we do this through love so others may learn to live a good, and righteous life.
          .
          Through our own perceptions, of just who others must be. I found this to just be a lie, and the only reason for it, is when we put others down, and tell them just who they must be. We can then feel, like we are better than that person, and believe we are helping them, in their lives today. When in reality, it is only so these people to feel better about themselves. Through their own inadequacies in their own lives today, and this is then. The stupidity, and insanity. I find in this society, I must live, in and obey, within my heart, on this earth today. If I don’t want others to harm me, through their love, through their religion, on this earth, today so they can feel better about themselves, in their lives today.
          THE EGGMAN OF TRUTH OF REALITY TO EVERYBODY

          September 12, 2015
    2. walrusofshoel

      To expose yourself, is as to be weak, so others can bash you down. Into shame, guilt, and miserey, for their own mean. This is because, through religion, I found there is no love, and accptance, of others today unless they can do something for us. Then we will kiss their ass, and show them false love, in their lives today. This is because, this is just the way of the world. To believe we are all just sinners, born of a fallen nature, unworthy of the love of heaven, on our own. Then though our disrespect, and judgments of others, through our beliefs in these ways. Then through this, comes the little value, we place on human life today.
      .
      Throuygh our own self-righteousness, and what a shame it is, that this is as far as we have came, in our humanity, on this earth today.
      -———-THE EGGMAN OF TRUTH——————————-

      September 12, 2015
  3. pastormike

    absolute excellence.

    September 02, 2015
    1. Neighsayer

      oh, did you miss it the first time?

      September 02, 2015
      1. pastormike

        no.. saw it.. but my opinion is the same.. superb work.

        September 02, 2015
        1. Neighsayer

          thank you, my friend. Swallowing again and no bad news?

          September 02, 2015
          1. pastormike

            not as well as I want to.. still a struggle. but otherwise all good. R & R this weekend…

            September 02, 2015
            1. Neighsayer

              oh, OK. Yeah, me too, summer vacay’s over after Labour Day on Monday.

              September 02, 2015
          2. pastormike

            rented a really spectacular place. I can hardly believe the price.. real steal. looking forward to it.

            September 02, 2015
            1. Neighsayer

              I had my five nights in the Yukon, Aug. 13th. – 18th. That was terrific, one really old friend and his step kids and step-grandkids, northern light shows, a weekend long party. That was great. Today, my kids’ sister-in-spirit, our Swiss friend has gone home after the entire summer. We’re all sad.

              September 02, 2015
          3. pastormike

            good on! man, seems like forever since I was in Dawson (hell, it’s 45 years, I guess) was neat to see all the places from the gold rush. even climbed Chilicoot.. I couldn’t get outa SKagway now.

            September 02, 2015
            1. Neighsayer

              oh, I wished I coulda brung ya. Met some folks maybe coulda used a little pastoring too . . .

              September 02, 2015
            2. Neighsayer

              Mike, if you’re still extant when retirement arrives for me (5 – 7 years) I’m planning a trip up there for a few folks. Something about the north . . .

              September 11, 2015
            3. pastormike

              cool.. if I don’t get up there first.. really want to.

              September 11, 2015
    2. walrusofshoel

      Thank you pastor mike, but I already know I am exellent, in all I do, or say, in my life today, but thanks anyways……….THE EGGMAN————-

      September 12, 2015
  4. walrusofshoel

    This sounds like me, I was once dead, then went into a coma for 3 days, from my last suicide attempt. Before this, my family was told, I would never understand the conversation of others, more, or less, ever work again. Then they gave me drugs, to insure I would stay that way. These were the drugs I overdosed on. I now know more, than all the doctors that told me these things, ever knew. To insure they could get rich, by pushing their drugs off on me, for the rest of my life. When I awoke from my coma, I had a different outlook on life. I could then see, that even though these doctors were seen, as some of the most inelegant people in the world. In reality, they were some of the stupidest people about reality, and were only good at making money, through deception and judgments of others.
    .
    I found they keep people this way, so they will believe they are mentally ill, and different than the rest. To insure they will live in shame, and guilt, for who they are. This way, as long as they believe they are sick, then so they always shall be. This is because, we are only, who we believe ourselves to be, in our humanity today. They will give people a drug, and if this drug makes them sick, and they refuse to take it. They then have orderlies, that will hold them down, and shoot them up with it, in your ass anyway. They want these people to feel like they are sick, and can’t think for themselves, in their lives today. Then, if they disobey, and try to stand up for their basic human rights. They will then be shot up with a drug, that was created to bring agitation to a person. Then they will put this person in a small cell, or 4 point restraints.
    .
    Then the staff will laugh at them, while they beg to be set free. This is done through their love for them, to teach them the ways of obedience, and conformity, in their lives today. This is then the life of a person with a mental illness. Then, when these people flip out, and hurt, or kill somebody. These intelligent doctors will come on T.V., and say they did all they could do, to help this poor person. Then just blame their actions on the mental illness, to increase the fear of the mentally ill, to society. These people are then seen as some of the smartest people on this earth, and we see them as truly righteous, loving, caring, and only trying to help others, in their lives today. I got a question for them, and this is. Just what in the hell did they think would happen. If they locked people up, and treated them in this way.
    .
    Even a worst case schizophrenic like me, can see the reasons why. These people take the hypocritical oath, of first do no harm. Then they turn it into the hypocritical oath, of keep um down, so we can get rich off their suffering. We then still see them, as some of the most intelligent, good, righteous, and respectable people, only trying to help others, on this earth today. This is just a clue, as to just how stupid, and brainwashed, we all have become in society today. This is because, no one gives a shit anyway, as long as they are not treated in this way.
    ……THE EGGMAN PULLING OFF THE MASK OF SOCIETY…………

    September 09, 2015